What Men Really Mean

"Let's take your car."
really means... "Mine is full of cans, burger wrappers and completely out of gas."

"Woman driver."
really means... "Someone who doesn't speed, tailgate, swear, make obscene gestures and has a better driving record than me."

"I don't care what color you paint the kitchen."
really means... "As long as it's not blue, green, pink, red, yellow, lavender, gray, mauve, black, turquoise or any other color besides white."

"It's a guy thing."
really means... "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

"Can I help with dinner?"
really means... "Why isn't it already on the table?"

"Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear."
really mean... Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response like Pavlov's dog drooling.

"Have you lost weight?"
really means... "I've just spent our last $30 on a cordless drill."

"It would take too long to explain."
really means... "I have no idea how it works."

"I'm getting more exercise lately."
really means... "The batteries in the remote are dead."

"We're going to be late."
really means... "Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."

"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard."
really means... "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love."
really means... "I forgot our anniversary again."

"You expect too much of me."
really means... "You want me to stay awake."

"It's a really good movie."
really means... "It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and Heather Locklear."

"Will you marry me?"
really means... "Both my roommates have moved out, I can't find the washer, and there is no more peanut butter."

"You know how bad my memory is."
really means... "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."

"Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal."
really means... "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt."

"I do help around the house."
really means... "I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket."

"Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing."
really means... "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."

"I can't find it."
really means... "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

"What did I do this time?"
really means... "What did you catch me at?"

"What do you mean, you need new clothes?"
really means... "You just bought new clothes 3 years ago."

"I heard you."
really means... "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."

"You look terrific."
really means... "Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving."

"I brought you a present."
really means... "It was free ice scraper night at the ball game."

"I missed you."
really means... "I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we are out of toilet paper."

"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are."
really means... "No one will ever see us alive again."

"This relationship is getting too serious."
really means... "I like you more than my truck."

"I don't need to read the instructions."
really means... "I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help."

"I'll fix the garbage disposal later."
really means... "If I wait long enough you'll get frustrated and buy a new one."

"I'll take you to a fancy restaurant."
really means... "Someplace that doesn't have a drivethrough window."